All quotes
Every published quote, filterable by category, tone and mood.
800 results
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Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. — Charles Schulz（Attribution unverified） |
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Stand-up comedy is transient. History shows that you can stand up for so long; after that, you're asked to sit down. — Steve Martin（Attribution unverified） |
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If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands. — Douglas Adams（Attribution unverified） |
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Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? — Jon Stewart（Attribution unverified） |
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Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. — Bobcat Goldthwait（Attribution unverified） |
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It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. — Douglas Adams（Attribution unverified） |
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read. — Groucho Marx（Attribution unverified） |
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If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. — Samuel Goldwyn（Attribution unverified） |
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What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, not-subject-to-opinion absolute truth, depending on where you're standing. — Steve Martin（Attribution unverified） |
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Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. — Christopher Morley（Attribution unverified） |
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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. — E.B. White（Attribution unverified） |
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Humor is the most engaging cowardice. — Robert Frost（Attribution unverified） |
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The secret to humor is surprise. — Aristotle（Attribution unverified） |
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. — Mark Twain（Attribution unverified） |
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. — Mark Twain（Attribution unverified） |
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. — Bill Cosby（Attribution unverified） |
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. — George Carlin（Attribution unverified） |
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. — Steve Martin（Attribution unverified） |
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Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. — Steve Martin（Attribution unverified） |
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Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. — George Bernard Shaw（Attribution unverified） |